What Do I Want to Be?

There's a good chance that a bunch of people think that they would have had their lives together by now. Mid-twenties, you know, you should have everything figured out. On your way to a successful career, marriage, oh my gosh, I don't know -- whatever it is. I thought I'd be fit as a fiddle, in a schmerious relationship, and doing something fabulous while eating something fabulous and wearing something fabulous.

Hehe.

I think that's the funniest thing about all of these questions, and about all of the uncertainty. So many people did not expect it. I did not expect it. As a matter of fact, I always felt sure of who I was and what I wanted when I was growing up. Maybe even thought that I was one of those folks who might bypass the time in my life where I'd be left wondering and wandering.  But as of this moment in time, I'm completely unsure of who I am and what I want. And particularly how to get there.

But I'm not totally at a loss. I know that, because I have hope. And I have a sort of idea of who I want to be. It's not fully defined.... she's very fuzzy around the edges in my mind, but there's something there. I know that I want a career that I am PASSIONATE about. I want to LOVE my job. I don't care if it makes me rich. I care that it does not make me poor or worry about financial stability. I want to be inspired every single day. Or at least 6 days a week :) ...and I want to do something that makes a noticeable difference in other people's lives. I want to move around at work and think creatively. I want to laugh while I'm working because I'm happy and because I enjoy the people I'm working with. I want to take initiative. I want to take risks and take on big projects with other people who dream the same way.

I want to live with this sort of aura that I'll call "California". That's probably a confusing name, and it is just based on a stereotype. I've been to California several times, and I just fell head over heels and completely inspired by the people, the attitude, and the weather (oh the weather.... it's a dream). But I have this vision of how I want to be and who I want to be, and that just seems the most fitting. Relaxed, easy-going, carefree, happy, laughing, energetic, whimsical. ambitious, goofy, free-spirited... the list goes and goes. I feel so smothered by my routine and my misfit job and I manifest my frustrations by malnourishment and indolence. Which might be called masochism, since those two things are such an antithesis of my soul.

How do I break the cycle? What will the it moment be? When will I be who I want to be and do what I want to do?  The first step must be to identify what those things are.... how do I do that? I'm searching all of the time, it seems, without knowing where to look. So I end up feeling as though my efforts are futile. But always I return to hope. I don't think it's ever too late.

The goal of my life is not to be happy, directly. But to find happiness as a byproduct of the way I live my life and the way that affects other people.

Do you feel this way? Have you felt this way? If you have, and you've found your California -- please tell me how you did.

Blessings.