Here's the truth:
The truth is that I feel fat. It's because i HAVE fat. I am not so dumb as to think that I AM fat... because I'm thinking (hoping) that there are still bones and organs and muscles and stuff in there too. But I've got more than enough to spare.
This is probably a reasonable spot to break and reiterate that my blog is about honesty. And this is totally RAW.
Back to fat. I gain it all in my stomach. I hate it. I used to be a toothpick (growing up, after eating a super size fry from McDonald's), but of course that changes with age. I'm still in my 20s, but the fat loves to invite itself in and take up residence in all the wrong places so that I feel like a stuffed sausage in my work clothes. The worst part (maybe?) about this is that I am 5'5" and weigh somewhere around 130-135 lbs. Which i KNOW is not the size that would cause anyone alarm. As in.. it's normal height/weight distribution. But my frame is really the type that gravitates toward size 2. As in 115ish pounds. So i feel like a stuffed sausage, like I said. No, I changed my mind.. THIS is the worst part: It's all because I'm a binge eater. It's the most unheralded of eating disorders, but it's real, and I can vouch for it. I eat and eat and eat when no one is looking. 1,000 calories in 15 minutes, easy. Maybe not artery clogging binges like some binge eaters have, but the type of eating where I'm not hungry, eating my feelings, and totally out of control. Just numb. Can't stop. And I do it alone, at night... and then I can't sleep properly, and then I'm tired. So I look horrible. Fat and tired isn't cute on ANYONE. And then I hate myself for it. And swear to stop. But the next day when I'm a stuffed sausage again at work, I feel bad and I eat my feelings. I can't get on track. And i feel so stupid for lacking the self control to eat properly. I just want to be a normal healthy size. Another kicker? I run half marathons. Yeah, you can be a chubster, and crank out 13.1 miles at a 10 min/mile pace. Even the running isn't helping me. What can I do? I am.. was... claim to be... a Christian. I certainly still believe, but I've fallen away. I find my Bible collecting dust, haven't gone to church more than 4 times in the past year, avoid praying, roll my eyes at God, find myself cursing Him, skip over Bible verses in others blog posts. I mean how the HELL (ha, right?) did I let Satan get such a grasp? That, of course, makes the whole eating/self-hating situation worse. And all the lack of sleep and issues getting dressed (because, you know, of my fat) mean that I'm late for work more than I should be. So then I get busted, and then I have a grumpy boss. And then I eat. It always comes back to eating and not sleeping. Even now, I should be asleep, but I feel like it's important to empty all of this out of my head and into some sort of unbiased reservoir. If anyone ever does read this, know that I'm not distrubed (I promise :) ... I'm just frustrated. And very honest. No one really thinks I'm fat.. we're all our own worst critics, but for now, as I have let Satan in, I see when I look at myself:
fat, tired, anything but punctual, scatter-brained, slow, awkward, unproductive, and confused.
And NO ONE... I can't think of a soul... wants to think of themselves in this light. Or rather, darkness.
Here's the dare:
I dare myself to change. I know what I need to change. Maybe it will help to say it. And to be concise....
-pray
-love (God, others, and myself)
-have patience
-be considerate (to my body, to myself, to my boss, my friends, my family)
-try
-give myself credit, when credit is due
I can't do it. But He can.
Now I have to believe that instead of just writing it. I want to become pure. That's what was missing. I want to be PURE.
